Saturday, April 24, 2010
Working with mommy guilt
I've worked very hard for where I am in life right now. And I'm having major mom guilt, because I'm not guilty about it. I went to 5 years of undergrad (I switched my major my junior year to biology - not the easiest way to go), took a year off to work in the biotech industry, and then went back to school for another 5, almost six years of graduate school to get my PhD. This may tell you what kind of person I am - I really like my work, I like going to school. When I got pregnant I was super excited, I've also always wanted to be a mom (I also really wanted to be pregnant, and I loved every minute of it). But I always knew that I would never ever want to stay home with my baby. And I still don't. Sure, I'm a little jealous of the fact that my husband gets to wake up to her shining face every morning smiling at him. I get to do that on saturdays and sundays and its that moment when she opens her eyes and sees me and gives me the biggest grin that makes me completely melt. And yes, I do wish I could go for a walk with her around 10am and get coffee and just hang. And no, I don't enjoy having to ask my husband what her cry may mean or what her schedule is, b/c i feel like those are things I should know. But I know that I could never do those things. I could never spend all day at home. I'd go crazy - absolutely batshit insane. Now when I get home, She reaches for me and its so sweet and she cries when i leave the room, which i secretly love. and weekends are so important to me to have that time with her. But that amount of time - its just perfect. I'm not sick of her, I'm not (usually) frustrated with her. I can handle her when my husband is at his wits end after a day with her when she's teething. I don't even mind being up in the middle of the night with her, as long as there is no kicking, scratching or hair pulling involved. hair pulling, by the way, is her newest favorite thing. So I love my daughter, but I love my job too. Do i love it more than my daughter? of course not. But i do feel mommy guilt. Because sometimes, I would rather leave for work than stay home. But I think I'm a better mom for it.
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